a slow dance in a burning room

so angry...

2011-08-11T04:40:00.000-07:00

no matter how many you approach for help, there's another number to call, someone else to tell your story to.

as of late: a rant, a praise, a sigh...

2011-04-27T01:10:00.000-07:00

i've been away from my adrian since 19/01, and it's awful. everyone asking "when is coming to the states?', and "do you know when he'll be getting here?" is killing me.
i have no answer. the paperwork for his visa to the states is overwhelming, more so than mine to the united kingdom. and as many freckles as i have, if he is denied, i'm moving back. i told him we'll get a farm in the middle of nowhere (which i'm accustomed to living in) and we'll grow crops and chickens and what-not...or maybe open a pub, who knows.
aside from my personal shortcomings and needs, i moved back because i couldn't find a job. at all. the us economy is a bit better than the uk's, but yet i'm stuck in a job that i despise. (for lack of a better word)...
i am well worth more than what i earn, and yet i'm happy to be employed, but every morning i awake wanting to jab a fork in my hand just to know that i'm alive. i'm degraded, humiliated, and under appreciated for the little money i make.
all i work for is my love to move here.
the pouring rain doesn't make me feel better, i miss england; the views, the seaside, the weather, the culture, the pubs, the small groups and comfortable surroundings. not to mention the music festivals.
i can't deal living with my mother, nothing is ever good enough for her. i have taken more than i can ever give back, but the verbal abuse i can't handle. "look at you stretch marks"," hem your pants", 'i don't see how you're going to stay married with the life you lead"...etc. i can't deal with it. and to think i moved back for this.
in a small way i thought that things would be the same when i moved back, but to my own naiveness knowing that things will never be the same, in still expected to have the same standing in the group that i left. and i don't.
i understand that all have their own lives, but where do i stand, really? i've wondered this since i've moved back. i left to move on, failed at the time, and moved back wanting and needing to be missed. and i don't feel as if i was.
it's great to be back in a city where it's familiar, and i can drive. i find myself limited as to where i go because of funds, but i try to get out as much as possible. which is about one night a week. i need to delve back into my creative self, and remove myself from the constant ridicule, i can cure myself in a creative sense.
i'd love to hear from friends and a helpful ear, the powers going to go out, so i have to submit this now. x

i suck at this...

2010-05-18T09:27:00.000-07:00

so, obviously i have a lackadaisical approach to blogging. i have so much to write about, and i promise that in the next few days i'll get on it. maybe an american take on british life? hmm, i don't know.

anyway, i'll get to it soon. x

i...

2010-03-17T00:56:00.000-07:00

have the most wonderful friends. i truly do. i have a few weeks left before i hope the pond, and i hop to make the best of my time between packing and spending time with them. one thing that keeps me going is that they'll be here. no matter what. and whatever "here" means, i'll be in touch with them. they are truly wonderful. whilst packing the cards over the years that miss tori gave me brought me to tears when i packed them. yes, i'm taking those with me.

i look forward to moving, so excited, but i'm terrified. to leave my family, my friends, my cats...but i'm so excited. i've decided to treat it as holiday for a few weeks until i get used to the city enough to apply for jobs, etc...i've packed an apron to suffice for the time at home. i really want you all to visit. i know it's expensive, but england is so beautiful, so worth it. i'll be you tour guide ;) castles, ales, goat farms, all you want to see in the countryside!

something?

2009-09-21T22:25:00.000-07:00

so, once my last post more has changed than i'd ever dreamt...moving forward...across the pond. i've changed in more ways than i could've imagined. but yet still, i feel stagnant. my creativity is at a standstill. colorless and drab, varying degrees of boring and a relentless feeling of waste.

maybe once i am in a different environment, a different set of people around me, with something new to fuel the fire will i be productive. hopefully. usually i listen to the same music, the same melodies remind me of things and someone i used to be, and feelings of uneasiness and being naive flood my mind, my body, and therefore i sit and daydream of what i "could be" now as opposed to what i am doing in the present form. i eat the same foods, visit the same places, and go through the motions of the past, and i realise that i only have a few months left to remain stagnant before i leave.

hello nurse!

2009-01-02T07:03:00.000-08:00

it's a new year. finally. i'm moving at a snail's pace. but i'll take this and make it mine. don't stop me now!

eh...

2008-12-13T00:20:00.000-08:00

all there is right now: my hopes of a better future ahead. my plans and goals. coming into fruition.